While the title of this article may indicate that it is about “celebrities” who wouldn’t like me, and would punch me in the face accordingly, that is not really the case. While I understand I am not be everyone’s favorite flavor of coffee, this list is more a reflection on the insanity of certain “celebrities”, not so much how annoying I am, though it does factor. Also, you may be wondering why I keep putting “celebrity” in parenthesis, and that is because calling some of these people celebrities is really stretching it, but still, what could I name this list? And the whole reason I am writing this list is because of….
D.M.X
One of these two is a snarling mess that will bite your face off. Hint: It’s NOT the puppy.
From the very first time I saw him, DMX scared me. Not because I am racist and scared of black people, but because DMX is a scary-ass-dude. I feel like I can retire after writing that sentence. Powerfully stupid stuff.
Anyway, I’ve had friends like DMX. Scary-ass-dudes who jump on people and bite their faces as a result of misunderstandings. I usually just stayed friends with them because they were a lot like pit bulls in the sense that, when you were with them, nobody would f*ck with you. Seriously, DMX is the ONLY HUMAN BEING who doesn’t sound stupid when he barks, he sounds f*cking scary. But the reality is, I feel like I would walk up to DMX and be like “Yo man, “It’s Dark And Hell Is Hot” was a sick album, start to finish..” and before I was done he would have blasted me in the face. He just seems, um, unstable.
You want proof? Watch how mad he gets at Google….
At one point, he LITERALLY barks at the thought of Google, and the insanity behind his eyes is palpable.
Atleast I can take comfort in knowing he doesn’t know how to use a computer, so there is no way he knows I exist, thus the face-punching odds go down significantly.
Courtney Love
Edward Norton, Billy Corgan and Kurt Cobain were all inside this at one point.
Okay, as much as I know I would eventually say something that would make this woman (?) punch me in the face, the odd thing is, in a perfect world, I would be able to sit down and talk with her, because she intrigues the f*ck out of me. From being in Syd and Nancy, to sitting on a bed, high as fuck, and jamming out with Kurt Cobain, the woman has had an amazing life, and over a few bottles and vodka and some pills, a night with Courtney Love is somewhat alluring to me (don’t mistake that as meaning we ever actually touch each other). BUT, there is that insanity hovering, at all points, just under the surface. You can tell she is one “odd thought” away from murdering a room full of people, and I can’t help but think I would be one of those people if she was ever given the chance.
Which is a shame, because I would really to smoke a joint with her ask her what Kurt was really like. And why she drove him insane.
Gary Busey
It is rumored that this is the last thing the dinosaurs ever saw before they went extinct.
Ah, sweet, sweet Busey. There is so much we could talk about. You seem like an open-minded guy, but ever since you got into that motorcycle accident without that helmet on, you have been more unstable than The Joker. I would want to know what it was like to work on Point Break. I would love to know some of the beautiful famous woman you probably never bedded. I would love to talk about reincarnation with you, because I feel like if I brought it up, you would talk about it for six hours without taking a breath.
BUT, if he is almost making this eleven-year-old girl cry while she interviews him on the red carpet, that does NOT bode well for what he would do after three minutes with me.
I respect how honest and straight-forward he is, but it’s a kid, man, lighten up.
Carrot Top
He is, literally, the scariest looking thing I have ever seen in my life. Make this the killer in every horror movie ever, the end.
I know, I know, why am I bringing this freak up? It is fair to ask that, but look at him. JUST LOOK AT HIM!!!???? How COULDN’T I bring this up??
Okay, I want to talk about how Carrot Top sucks, and how he has always sucked, and how he has gotten so much plastic surgery that he looks like bad CG, but I can NOT get over that picture up there. I mean, the man was always freakish, but it is like he woke up one day and was like ” I need to overcompensate for how weird I look and how unfunny I am, so I am gonna take steroids until I look like a level boss from a bad video game.” I know steroids make you angry, so the chance of me saying something that would cause him to fly off into a “roid rage” seems pretty feasible.
As a matter of fact, pretty sure this last paragraph already accomplished that. Shit. I am gonna have a level-boss made out of bad CG coming after me now.
Mike Tyson
Nothing says “I’ll eat your children” like a face tattoo. Oh wait, he has actually SAID THAT?
I know Mike Tyson has reformed his rapey, violent ways so that he can take care of pigeons, but I am from the old-school. The old-schoolers saw Tyson fight when he first started out, and it was the closest thing I have ever seen to a man becoming an animal. He fought like he was mad at the world, and he was. Seriously, he would throw punches that would connect so hard, that every time he knocked someone out, I would sit there and look at their chest for a minute to make sure they were still alive. You add to that how utterly unstable and uncontrollable he was, and you have a man that makes the prospect of hanging out with DMX seem like tea time. You want an example of how crazy and scary Tyson was in the apex of his insanity, just watch this:
He says he wishes he could stomp on your children’s testicles. Never in my life have I heard something more awesomely offensive, and I write about baby battles.
So you see, Mike Tyson may be mellow now, but knowing my own stupid mouth, I would say something that just hit his “crazy” button and he would dislocate his own jaw so he could swallow me whole while I cried for my Mommy.
And The Celebrity I Would Most Like To Punch In The Face Is:
Chris ” I am a coward who beats woman and wasn’t held at all accountable and have only shown remorse for getting caught and not for the disgusting thing I did” Brown. Anyone who knows me at all knows this. F*ck that guy.
My game with Chris Brown is a simple, psychological one. I call him out over time, driving him insane, and when he finally acts, I financially ruin him. That is how you punish an asshole. You hit them in the wallet.
The post Five Celebrities I am Convinced Would Punch Me In The Face If We Met (and One I Would Like To Punch) appeared first on Remy Carreiro.
